Laughing Down Lonely Canyons

I deliberately chose to spend this weekend alone as there are so many things I have to sort through. The one that is closest to the surface and most raw is the damage that has been done since this last May to relationships that I cherish, love, and need by the very people that I have loved, cared for, and sacrificed for.

I kept a special man in my life at arms length for almost four years... afraid to allow myself to love again (afraid of loving again at all as I knew the pain and sorrow that can come from that). Just as I let the walls down and let myself fall very much in love... I was hit with hammers from hell wielded with great force by those I have loved for 30 plus years...

This wonderful man, knew my love of family and of my close attachment to a very special little one, and although he would have greatly preferred to have time alone with me, he welcomed her along with us on trips, dinners, outings... and he came to love her as she loved him.

This man has saved my life (literally) by encouraging me to get medical care which found cancer, riddling my body from breast to colon, to throat, to blood, to skin. He came and cared for me more tenderly then anyone I had ever known through mutiliating surgeries that would have sent most men running in the opposite direction. This man, while I was at work, cleaned house, planted a wonderful desert garden for me, did laundry, cooked, and went shopping buying me things that I would look at in stores... and surprise me with them .

One night, when I was filled with angst over my feelings, I fibbed to him and went to a movie under the pretext of going to a class... I came home late to find the candles in the house all lit up and a wonderful dinner waiting for me. No one had ever done that for me before.

This man does not like the ballet but does take me to see it and does not make fun. He enjoys some musicals but not all, yet still watches them with me and does not make fun of me. He listens to my dreams and then tries to make them come true. He honors my love of Indian paganism and lore and is not poking fun at me for the changes I am making in decor and self... he helps me become the woman I always have been but who disappeared one day way back in March of 1970... even before.

I am back exploring, hiking, climbing, horseback riding, going antiquing, to museums, studying history, talking politics, being with people who share my beliefs and my passions... I can even watch the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie without fear of ridicule. This man has set me free and allowed me to be me.

The response from younger ones who never ever really knew me? HE IS CONTROLLING YOU. Silly silly loved ones... more like I control him if the truth be told... and then not so there. How about RESPECT and LOVE for one another that makes each of us want to bring the other joy, health, and peace. That lets both of us wake up each morning with a smile on our faces, despite the cancer and sometimes the distance, and lets each of us curl up at night, praying for the others health and safety as we drift off to sleep in peace and contentment.

I guess my question and sorrow is... how could those I love so much go out of their way to hurt me so deeply? Or try to destroy something so absolutely perfect that puts a smile a mile wide on my face. Or why take it from another little one who has no understanding of why? Or hurt a man so deeply when all he wanted to do was be friends and accepted? Who has done nothing but love me, care for me, and protect me.

How do they continue to honor someone who, although loved greatly by me, did so much damage to all of us through lifestyle choices that were made from pain and selfishness?

I keep asking God to help me understand.

So far, all I am getting is silence and emptiness... and the echoes of laugther down lonely canyons that I may never get to hear again... I want my time with two special people back. Please God, let me have it.