I have owned and lost two homes since 1993. The first due to illness and death, the second due to love and need. The first home was one for my husband and one of his choosing... furnished to express his needs and loves. The second home, although I loved it, was still not truly mine and I worked to provide an environment that would make the majority that harbored inside its walls happy and contented (not that I necessarily succeeded mind you).
Today, I rent a comfortable little townhouse in a decent section (although not the Best section) of Mesa, AZ. I have a great landlord who allows me to care for it as if it were my own and over the last four years a companion who helps me decorate it to lighten my soul and express my pagan spirit (Native American more so now). Since cancer struck with such vengence, I decided to remove myself from the Victorian Era (all dark and heavy) and pursue the openness of the land that surrounds me. Those who were used to the "phoney" me, the people pleaser me, the one who would put every need she had aside for those she loved, have told me they do not care for the changes I have made and have gone so far as to infer that it is another's influence that has created them. I wish they could know how much this saddens me but, I know it would make no difference and they simply want what was not me back... I will not go back. I have NEVER been weak willed, just more concerned about everyone else's comfort instead of my own and that has not served me well in life. This is me... like it or not (and it always has been the real me).
Like it or not, the personalities of our homes are accurate barometers that reflect, through our surroundings, where we have been, what's going on in our lives, and who we are -- TODAY -- though not necessarily where we are heading or will be in the future. Once I started living alone, I realized how painfully dark my life had been and my surroundings actually echoed that... they were not me. I wanted light and openness.
Now, I understand that this is probably not the most reassuring thought for a meditative period (one that I embarked upon this weekend). Nevertheless, it is a true statement. "You will express yourself in your house whether you want to or not", said Elsie de Wolfe who wrote a book titled The House in Good Taste back in 1913 that transformed the way American's decorated for over 50 years. I have learned the truth of this and the freedom of this, which made my cleaning/meditative process much more spiritual this past weekend.
Now my reader's response will probably be "if I had enough money to redecorate, then you would be the real me"... Of this I have no doubt and I will not totally disagree. But as someone who lost her husband 12 years ago, was left in extreme debt and accumulated more through family legal problems and poor health, I can tell you that I (nor you) can afford to put my life and creativity on hold until there is more cash, because in trying to do so, I learned how greatly I had shortchanged myself (and apparently) those I love.
Over the course of these last four years (laiden with bitterness and tears from loss and cancer but enlightened by love, laughter, and faith), I have learned that through acceptance, blessing my circumstances, and discovering and not being afraid to show MY personal preferences, I have been able to jump start my personal authentic style through the way I care for and now decorate my home.
Where money certainly would help me to express myself further through my surroundings, I believe I have created a warm inviting home (to those not judging from a false past)that reflects MY personality and I have done so without hiring a decorator, asking ANYONE elses permission, or pulling out a credit card or checkbook.
So today, as I finish cleaning and washing, I will look upon my little home through the eyes of LOVE. I will walk around the room and offer thanks for the walls and floors that safely enclose me and provide a place of love and peace for my granddaughter,the neighborhood children, Tom and my friends. I will take mantra moments to consider all of the other woman who have lost their homes through death, divorce, debt, Obama, or disaster. I will be and am grateful for this home I have, knowing that, at this moment, all I have is all I truly need.
Blessed be.
1 comment:
In the past I have been embarrassed at the lack of formal decoration in my home. After reading this I realize that I HAVE actually decorated my home in the way I wish. Pictures of my children, their drawings and school work, and treasures we have found along the way are what you will find when you walk in our house. Nothing matches, there is no theme, but there is love and pride. My walls and decorations DO reflect who we are. I will no longer be ashamed, for we have the BEST decorations for us!
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